Seems that I’ve been clicking pieces together more and more lately. Little pieces, big pieces, important pieces, insignificant pieces. But they’re clicking all the same. Sometimes I think that’s the biggest step. Not the completion of the puzzle, but the willingness to work on it.

And you know what else? Pieces that have once been pushed aside and considered not part of the puzzle, are now falling into place. They show up on the carpet, camouflaged by it no matter what color the piece is, or what color the carpet is, and it fits.

The latter I notice with music more than anything as of late. Music I have set aside years ago, not with the intention of discarding it, but mayhap with the thought that I’ve outgrown it. Yet, somehow, it proves vital to me now. Music has always spoken to me, and even guided me to some degree. It’s one of my favorite art forms, regardless of the fact that I cannot produce it myself, or even understand it very fully. But lyrics, and the vibe of a series of notes... mmmm! It just has an effect on me. And to find that music I once deemed “unworthy” on some level is now speaking louder than music I have a deep connection to, is odd.

But I recognize the purpose. As always, I’m able to look ahead and see a greater purpose, a bigger goal. Maybe not all the details of it all, but a future nonetheless.

Clicking. Each snap another step towards something unknown. And if I got to paint the picture being pieced together, I could tell you in explicit detail what it would depict. It’s that inability to paint the picture that slows the clicking. Keeps me standing still even.

We’re supposed to be able to control our lives, our destinies. No? Or is that a tired belief of a theory that shouldn’t even be entertained. I’m not even sure now. If all of this is supposed to be happening, the ever impending “Why?” still hangs in the air. And if I’m supposed to be in control, “How?”

And the part that kills me about this puzzle... I already know a piece has gone missing. Maybe a few pieces, but one for sure. And so many other pieces have been scarred by time. Neglect. Important pieces. Pieces that may never make that satisfying click again.

But what’s the point of working a puzzle that cannot be completed?

So, I got a tattoo. After a solid year of pining for one, I finally finalized my design, went in, and got it done.

Not in the mood to share all the symbolism behind it... not sure if I'll ever share that publicly... but here it is for everybodies viewing pleasure!

Click the link to see it - [link]

Crappy day at work... won't go into details. Then I got rear-ended on my drive home, and that pushed me into the car in front of me. So, my car's rear end is fucked up, and my front end is smashed up.

Being the weekend, my insurance comapny can't do jack until monday. I work at 4am monday. Hmm... thank gods for a dad who is willing to take me to work at that ungodly hour. At least on monday. I think I can beg friends into giving me rides home the rest of the week. That is, if insurance won't cover a rental car.

The shittiest part... I've been planning for awhile now to drive up north to Redding, CA to visit a dear friend of mine. For Halloween. Now I'll likely end up flying, which is ok. But I LOVE driving. That's the shittiest part of this... my car, while just a lil Ford Focus, is MY car, and it's a bit like a home to me. And now it's all smashed up, and I don't even know if it can be fixed.

*sigh*

Things were going well for awhile too. Thus my lack of online time.

I'm alive and uninjured (except possibly for some whiplash that I'm not sure if I'm feeling or not right now). So I'm quite thankful for that.

Just thought I'd write that down. Helps me calm down a lil more from everything.

Peace, friends.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
(mumbling)

I started last year off having to rebuild a part of myself. Actually, I was right in the midst of having fallen apart nearly totally, and was just starting to pick the pieces up when this year started. It started on a sour note, basically. I had little hope for it being a good year. But I knew I'd at least be able to distract myself, because I had managed to land a job at Starbucks. My first "real" job actually. First time I was able to be tracked by good ol' Uncle Sam.

Looking back, I kinda feel like I stepped out of a dimensional portal sometime in the latter part of 2005, and finally stopped hiding in the shadows during 2006. It's been a year of awakening. To say the least.

So, I started off at the lowest I had been in a long while, and had to spend time fixing things I'd nearly screwed up totally. Even still, I'm working on that. Some things are more difficult to fix than others apparently. I thank my friends and family who have managed to not kick me to the curb for standing by me during the course of all this. I know it's not easy on them.

I met two of the greatest friends I've ever been blessed with this year. Who would have thunk it, right? I don't think I could ever express how happy I am to have met you guys (and I hope you realize who you are ). You have both helped me through so much. And if all I had to reflect on for the last year was meeting and hanging out with you guys, that would be more than enough for me. *big group hug*

It's been a year of love. Strained love, free love, earned love, gained love, lost love. But all of it love. And as is the case with love most the time, that's been the most difficult to deal with as well. Lost my heart this year... found it too. Funny how it changed hands the way it did. I still have yet to regain possession of it though, and maybe that's ok. Not sure what to do with that lil issue in the coming year though. See what happens.

I understand the whole "summer of love" deal. Lived it myself. And then some! Also, I finally learned to appreciate Pink Floyd (during the summer mostly)... to the point that I can hardly stop listening to them! Think what you will about me in regards to that. All I know is that I've discovered through Pink Floyd that my mind is still capable of creativity, and that's not something I'm gonna shun.

Speaking of creativity. I know now for sure what direction I want to go with a lot of my art. I have too many ideas brewing now to grab ahold of any one in particular. Well, not true. I have grabbed one from that flowing river, but it shant be discussed here. Not now. Needs time. Just as I needed a big chunk of time off from all the art stuff. I felt I reached a point where I simply couldn't express things in a manner I was comfortable with, or in a way that I felt was worthy of being shared. So I quit. Planned to take a year off... it's been just over that now. Was a much needed break though. See, my art was suffering for a long while... becoming more and more contrived. May not seem like it to some of you, but it was. I don't hate the work necessarily, just don't feel that it speaks from where it needed to speak from. As if that makes sense. I'd run the well dry, and somehow still managed to pump a drop or two out of it. That's the best I can describe it. Over this last year, I've filled the well up enough to last an eternity.

I love and hate that.

Which brings me to the bit about understanding. The bit I still can't put into words. I understand not why some things have happened this year, but understand the need for them to have happened. I understand why other things played out as they did, but not why they had to be in the first place. It's a series of paradoxes, this understanding. Even still, after so many nights spent pondering, I don't understand why one thing exists. Why it came to me now, teasing me, lifting me up as high as I've ever been, but with the eternal threat of dropping me so low so fast, that I don't know if I'll survive. Let alone recover.

The ultimate understainding is this though: I wouldn't trade a single second of any of it for anything in the universe.

I look forward to this year. I dread a part of it as well... but I guess even that will be an experience I will grow from in some way shape or form. My hope is to regulate some things to a point where I allow myself some more "me time" to work on art. That's how I believe I will achieve my resolution of finding peace. Peace in all that understanding of things that have been, things that are, and things yet to come.

Happy new year everybody! May it bring you all you deserve and more.